Ever since I was young, I never really understood anything about the world. And I never understood anything that happened in my life. The only thing that ever made any sense to me was you. And how I felt about you. That's all I've ever known. And that's enough for the rest of my life.

1. How was this past year for you?
up and down and up and down like craaazy

2. Did your life change in anyway?
extremely it ihas

3. Did you fall down any deep holes?
billions of times, but i still pick myself up

4. What did you say that got you in trouble?
got me in trouble? how many times i broken up with boyfriends. being that i only have 1 boyfriend and 1 exboyfriend. how many people know. everythings complicated STILL

5. Something in 2007 that made you wet your knickers/pants?
no actually

6. Did you meet God?
sadly, i didn't

7. Glad the spice girls got back together?
because they're not bac together?

8. How many times did you lie about what you were doing?
FUUUUCK, to how many different people? too many times...

9. What was January to you?
one of the worst really. stil in love with ryan, still with royce, ryan wants to be with jenny and tells me he never wants me to be his girlfriend, cool. lol

10. Did you hit the sales?
i rarely shopped actually

11. Who was your first crush of the year?
royce..and ryan

12. How did you spend the new year?
the new year...i remember it was with sonny, dj, sims, ruel, and ryan. at my house and we got drunk. and brina too, got drunk and i don't remember really..

13. What was February like for you?
february...trying to get over ryan...hung out with royce more i guess

14. Did you get any valentines cards?
nope

15. Any celebrity crushes?
not really

16. What about TV, what were you watching in 2007?
what do i watch now a days. nothing really haha spongebob. and cartoons fml

17. How was March for you?
fuck going to the club on yourbirthay gayest shit when you're not 21. it was ok..

18. Did you do anything you wish you hadn't this year?
i've done a lot of things..i don't know what would have happened if i stopped

19. Did you meet anyone new?
i wouldn't doubt it

20. And how was April?
i honestly can't remember this year is sucha blur

21. Were you single by now or taken?
taken by royce

22. Seen any really great films in 2007?
yeah i guess

23. How have you been spending this year?
at a house mainly a house and kicken it

24. What did May bring?
more confusion. i went to the philippines! and i like hated my life, nbut you learn to appreciate it

25. Any new bands jump up and smack you in the face?
uh no

26. Do you think if you had the chance, you would relive 2007?
no.. fuck

27. And how had June been?
i went to guam and saw my brother. michael jackson died. and yeah

28. Did you talk to any little green men?
i don't hallucinate and i smoked weed more this year than i thought

29. Drunk a lot this year?
i drink but not to get drunk

30. By the middle of the year what was your hair like?
short short short

31. It's July now, how is it?
it's not july now but...same boring ishh kicken it nothing big

32. I bet your wondering how much more this has to go..
yeah i am actually i feel like i din't accomplish anythign this year

33. Read any good books this year?
not that i can think of actually

34. It's August now.. what were you up to?
school starts. smoking a shit load

35. Where did you go on holiday?
what holiday

36. Did you get arrested this year?
negative

37. You made it to September, what did you do?
las vegas and high all week it's september now and my brother is here!

38. Wow, I heard a rumor about you.. come spill the truth.
that i'm a cheater.

39. Did you tell someone a lie that hurt them?
they didn't find out the truth..still.

40. Did you go to any cool gigs this year?
negatory

41. It's October now, how was it?
last october was hell ish

42. Were you jealous of anyone?
last october i was. caroline. ew. i take that back

43. What did you do for halloween?
halloween went to a couple parties. drank up and got drunk at my house

44. November, what happened?
last november..wow i had sex with royce. crazy

45. Oh my gosh, that was so stupid...(whatd you do that made you feel a fool)
EVERYTHING.

46. Hey, that was mean.. (did you do anything bad to a friend)?
no i didnt

47.Yay it is now December what are you up to?
eh who knows

48. You glad the year is almost up??
not really cause i know i realize i accomplished nada

49. What are you going to do for Christmas?
family timin
50. What are the new year plans?
fun fun fun
51. Do you even care about 2008?
2010? wow..

52. Do you think you will have a better year next year?
i really hope so

53. How many chickens crossed the road?
none

54. Oh my gosh, i just saw a celebrity.. you seen any this year?
i didnt see one

55. Been to any crazy places?

philippines. and guam.

56. What are your long term plans for next year?
school. and more school hopeuly new job and get my life on track

57. Wow we are on question 58 and you're still here. Got anything to say?
nah

58. So what was your favorite thing to do in 2007?
vacation fasho

59. What do you want for Christmas?
nada much

60. Do you plan on getting drunk christmas eve?
i don't see why not

61. How about new years eve?
:)

62. Did you do all you wanted to this year?
i've tried and no

I'm not gonna lie I do feel pretty empty inside. It's a weird feeling. It's weird how something was with you through thick and thin, through all the bull shit, through every pain and heart ache, through every bliss, is now simply a memory. I don't know what to think really. I tried so hard to push him out of my life, and as of now, it feels like it works. I told him "you're the reason why I am fucking up my relationship. Because I am still fucking you, you're the reason why I can't be happy with anyone else. Just leave me alone." What's weird is that he actually listened. I think he finally realized that he is better off without me. That we've grown further apart than what we were before. I had this feeling a couple days ago where the feeling was still so strong still intact, but when I think about it, He seems so far away to the point where I can't feel or touch him. I can't grasp him or hold him. It's a sad feeling. I'm having withdrawals like a bad addiction. I want to call him to talk to him, to hear he wants me still, but I can't. I told him what I told him because a couple days ago, I was lookin through Royce's phone, and saw that Asia had been texting him. It was driving me insane to know he was talkin to her about issues, and not me. But why am i the one to trip? How much I have done worse, and to think I was really getting hurt. I was getting hurt knowing I was hurting someone who truly does not deserve such pain. And I blamed it on   Ryan, when all i should be doing is blaming myself. How much I want to be with him, but really it's just unreal, all imagined words. Easily said than done. How much I fein for that love and compassion he gave me. I could honestly say he was the only one person I could actually depend on. The one I could turn to. The one I feel for. He was my best friend and lover, regardless of all the shit. it's weird to think how much a significant impact a compulsive manipulative liar could have. But why? Why must I be so blind. He has been there for me..in so many ways that no one can express..and i can't even call him. I want to apologize..I want to be with him..I want to feel him again..and I can't. When will this all go away? I miss you and I love you, and that's all.

So lately, I've been feeling that Ryan has been completely out of my life..that I am not in love with him. For what is best for my future, I shouldn't be thinking about Ryan and that my future that I thought I would have had with Ryan is long gone. I forced that out of me to feel that way, uneasily. I forced myself to notice how he happy he was to move on and to love another and to accept his happiness..but why did I have to force myself? Why is it so hard for me to allow this..to move on..to let go. And why did I think it wsa so much easier now when truly it isn't. I talked to him today, and he said I deserve better..but why is what he says so important? And why do I care so much about this guy that shouldn't even be in my life. I chose to accept that  I will always love him and care for him, but not enough to be with him. And he asks me, "Do you want to be with me? How about Next month? Do you still want to marry me?" After all this time..he still loves me. He still cares about me. And it wasn't just me chasing after him. He apologized, realized how much he took me for granted, and for some reason in my heart I do believe him. He asked me if I was happier with Royce, to everyone else I am...but in my soul I know I will never have that bliss as I did with Ryan. Now to come upon it..I will always no matter love him. The good times never stopped as much as they were in the past. And I know I never lost hope with us two. Hope then? I strived for his love..I ran away from the love for him...I went to hell and back for his love..And i'm still here no matter how much I say I am over it. I don't know what will take me beyond that line to be with him again. to make it okay. But maybe there will be a point that it will never be okay for us. I should not rely on his words..but honey, that's love for you. Love goes beyond the boundaries and takes you to where ever you want. But if this is love that I have for him..when will this fear to be with him again let go. It's like it's easier to be with him. to go with this pain that I know is with him..than to be without him. To go beyond those limits I guess is love. and I will for some reason no matter who I am with never let go and will no matter what always love him. No matter how happy I am with Royce how much he accepts me...I know deep down it will never be how I feel for Ryan..and I'm scared. I don't know how to stop and when it will be okay. He tells me all this 2 months into his relationship with Jenny..how he knows he does want to be with me in his future..but it scares me because this love will never settle. it will never be free enough to allow us to love eachother. The love we have for each other will never be enough to let us ne together..and I'm curious to find out when this love story will just subside and let it die. At this point..it doesn't look like it will...I'm curious to see the where it will go and I need to stop.